One Hundred Sleepless Nights

If I could turn back time I would change the relationship between my mother and I. I would remove the memories burnt into my brain of all the times she told me I am worthless, and that she wishes I was never born. She taught me that abuse is love, and no one ever taught me different. From boyfriends to best friends I took their criticisms as compliments and fighting as friendship. Of course I wanted to love myself too, so just as her awful words were hugs, my blades gave me kisses. They became my only comfort, the only thing that would put me to sleep at night when her voice haunted me. Soon, the voices carried into the day, and every time I would look in the mirror I could hear her voice say "You will never be good enough." As I began to pick out my flaws, a day without eating became a pat on the back. I shut everyone else out, they could never love me ask much as I loved myself. The proof was in the beautiful red lines racing up my arms and thighs, and the constantly dropping number on the scale. My self 'love' was more like a machine stuck on self destruct. With fresh cuts and days without eating, I was pushing for perfection. The worst part was that I thought it was 'normal', and with a perfect plastic smile always plastered on my face no one ever thought any different. I continued to prove my love for everyone else by pushing them away, as I built up my walls, but soon that was not enough. I needed more. Little ideas began to pop into my mind, ways that I could love myself even more.

I do not have any pictures
of my mom so here is me.

 I would make plans to end it all and write notes to say goodbye. I was so ready to prove my 'love' to myself that when help finally came I felt more like I was being harmed. It has been a long journey, but I am starting to recover. I can not help but to point out my flaws, and my moms voice still screams to me at night, though I haven't talked to her in over a year. She taught me that abuse is love, but it is not, and now I am trying to learn the difference. I am finally learning how to really love myself. The scars have faded, but what if they were never there? I know the grass is not always greener on the other side, and after every thing,
 I am very happy with who I have become. However, I am always left wondering 'What if she had loved me', or better yet 'what if I knew how to loved myself'.Maybe I would not be so shy, and my words would not come out so harsh. Maybe I would not be so insecure, and I would not worry so much about what people think about me. I would be able to look at myself and be content with what I see. I never would have made those stupid things, and I would not still be struggling with them today because I never would have felt that alone. She would be there for me when I am upset, and she would give me that 'stupid' motherly advice. She would hold me in her arms and tell me "It will be okay" and "You are perfect just the way you are". Maybe we could have been a happy family, and maybe I could have been a happy girl, a girl without scars. However, I can not turn back time, and I will never truly know what could have been. Instead, I must learn from my mistakes and the mistakes my mother made, and change my life for the better.

Wordplay

Combinations of 26 letters,
but they mean so much more,
adventures and knowledge,
and whole new worlds to explore.

They are here forever,
carrying memories of those who passed;
from people who were loved,
to moments that did not last.

They have so much power
more then some people know.
They can pick people up,
but they can knock them just as low.

Set them to a melody,
and problems drift away.
Say them in promises,
hoping they will stay.

Whisper them in the ear
of someone loved,
or say them silently
and pray to the one above.

Words can mean so much,
we use them every day.
From books to music,
they're even what we say.

Beautiful Disaster

This last night Heather and I attended a one night event at the Lorain Palace Theater called "The Runway Movie".This movie told the story of a young man named Jevon Terance, and his life as a male fashion designer. The movie focused on Terance's latest runway show that took place at Lorain County Community College's Spitzer Center. After six years of designing clothes, he decided to have his latest line of clothes themed as God's and Goddess's, because of Nike shoes. The show was roughly an hour long, and after the first twenty minutes the show it became torture.Heather and I felt very out of place in this situation because we did not know who Terance was, so we sat in the back of the theater in an attempt to blend in. We were soon surrounded by old ladies.The start time for the movie was said to be at five however, it did not actually start until after 5:20. The actual movie was absolutely terrible. It was basically poorly shot video clips of Jevon talking for the first fifteen minutes, and then the rest of it was even worse quality video from his God and Goddess's fashion show. It was over 45 minutes of people walking on and off the stage while barley audible rap music blared in the background. This would've been okay if the clothes being modeled where at least cute. A few of the clothes were decent, but most of the clothes were completely atrocious. For example, one man was wearing a  brown tee shirt that had a picture of Jesus holding a sneaker on the front, and then the back was completely white. Sadly, this was not even the worst 'fashion' of the night. After what seemed like forever, the clock finally struck six,and our ride home arrived. The movie should have ended, however that did not happen. As the minutes ticked by Heather and I tried to plan an escape, but there were too many old ladies, and there was no way around them without interrupting them. We did not manage to escape until after 6:30, we couldn't have been happier when the movie finally finished. Though this experience was awful, it was nice to be able to see how a young mans dreams came true. If I had the chance to do it again I probably would not do it because it was a waste of $5, but it was not the worst experience I have ever had.


                   

Here Comes The Sun...

Early on the morning of June 14, my sisters and I awoke to enjoy breakfast on the beach. Our original  plan was to take a light breakfast so we could watch the sun rise across the Gulf of Mexico, but our plans could not have differed more. After making toast and pouring glasses of orange juice, we began our journey to the beach- only to realize the sun was rising away from the gulf. In hopes that our luck would change we sat down, and we began to eat. It seemed perfect, however we soon learned that toast on a beach was not a good idea. Just as the sky began to fill with beautiful crisp oranges and blazing yellows, I heard a loud 'cawing' sound directly above my head. I was mid bite as I slowly looked up from my toast to see a seagull only inches away from my face. I suddenly became paralyzed by my unexplainable fear of birds. When I finally glanced back up, my eyes darted from bird to bird- I was surrounded. As I sat completely frozen, my sisters ran towards the condo, and their toast lay only a few feet away from me. With the panic in me rising, I finally jumped up and ran towards my sisters, barely muffling a scream, as I threw my toast as far as possible in hopes that it would lead the birds away from me. Luckily, we made it off the beach alive but it is a day I will never forget. It will go down in infamy as The Morning of the Toasty Beach.

Name

Destanie,

with a 'nie'.

It is a name I hate,

it always pulls me down

like an eighty pound weight.

It brings back the memories,

while I am trying to get free.

This is what it means to me.

Destanie.

It's mommies voice in my head

screaming "You'll never be enough."

It's all the things I turned to

when times had gotten tough...

Because before the drunken slurs,

back when she loved me

she named me-

Destanie.

It's the constant reminder

of where I come from

It's the devil on my shoulder saying

"She's exactly what you'll become."

Maybe I don't have a choice 

in who I'm going to be.

Maybe it's just my-

Destiny.

It's kind of like fate,

"What must be, must be."

While the future maybe brighter

patience is key.

But until then I'll keep my head up

because tomorrow is not a guarantee.

If only I knew my-

Destanie.

I'm that girl with the bright smile,

who once wanted to die.

Even with a past I'll never escape,

I can be anything if I try.

My past has made me stronger,

and there is no one I'd rather be.

I'm perfect the way I am, as 

Destanie.